quarter life crisis, oh my

i have gotten myself into a rut.

this rut consists of me working all day, coming home cranky, wanting to go out but being too lazy/broke to do so. this is no good.

or i do like i did tonight and actually contact someone, but manage to fall asleep on the couch at 10:30 home alone and not succeed in hanging out.

i'm so stuck on the fact that i spent 4 years in school, graduated with two degrees, and can't manage to get a job. what a hoax. we're told we have to go to college to get a job, we get out, and we're screwed. and we don't know what to do. i know i have to go to grad school, but i keep procrastinating with the GRE. i don't know where i want to go or what i want to study. i'm not ready to commit to it. but, my mother emailed me today and said if i don't go to graduate school next year that i have to move home. UNLESS i am able to support myself.

i've applied to 20 jobs in the past two months. i haven't even been offered an interview.

i'm not an idiot. i had a good gpa, i have "impressive" degrees, i'm fairly sociable when i need to be.. there is no reason why i would be unqualified for anything i've applied to. and yet here i am, working as a tour guide for 10 dollars an hour. today ryan interviewed for a research position that would pay him $1,500 a month and he's still in school. it makes me feel so defeated.

where is my guarantee that if i settle for graduate school, pay for it and graduate, that i'd definitely have a job (let alone one i value and can support me). is it even worth it? it's consuming me and ruining my attitudes for anything else. i can't talk to anyone without bringing it up. i need to decide now if i'm going to send myself away to pursue something that might ultimately take me away from my friends and atlanta and not work out, or if i'm going to risk trying to find a job when it might end up in me being forced into a tie-breaking relationship living with my family.

every little thing stresses me out.. even things i should be looking forward to. is this what people our age are supposed to be experiencing? isn't this supposed to be a great time in life? is this our last chance to enjoy ourselves before we are forced to settle for a job we don't want or enjoy? should i be worried that i'm not?

i just keep relying on event after event to make me happy and all that pressure results in massive failure. next up is my trip to guadalajara and the isla navidad to see these guys:




except our cups will be much larger and filled with tequila.

i'm hoping that this trip lives up to my neurotic expectations. or that miraculously i'll be cured of my ridiculous standards and finally chill the hell out.